Autobiography.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson.
Chapter 1
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there, I still fall in. It's habit. It's my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.
How many times do we find ourselves doing the same things only to feel the same painful emotions afterwards? While there are many factors that can lead to us walking down the same sidewalk again and again, once we begin to practice more awareness and address what needs to be changed then real healing can begin.
This rings true for nervous system regulation and trauma work as well. We cannot begin to heal from our past hurts if we are still repeating the same patterns and remaining in dysregulation. First we practice awareness and notice our surroundings, the people around us, and our own bodies. Notice how these things effect us and draw us either into more regulation or out of regulation.
Then we need to come to a place of acceptance without judgement. We accept our feelings and reactions for what they are, we accept the part we are maybe playing by continuing to walk down the same sidewalk. With curiosity we explore what is drawing us down the same sidewalk, motivating us to continue in relationship with the same toxic people, or going back to the same unhealthy ways of coping.
Once we understand the “why” we can then begin to heal and make changes. But change can feel scary and uncomfortable, just like choosing to take a different sidewalk may take enormous effort on your part. (However, doesn’t it take enormous effort to climb out of that same hole again and again?) What may be dysregulating for your system may also feel really familiar and in some ways even comfortable. So be patient with yourself. This is hard work, but you are worth it.
Be kind and curious,
Hollis